SANTA ANSWER MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

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Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labor - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/ well known.

Labor pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favor of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.

P'njaab Airways

P'njaab Airways

P'njaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh " Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.

P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.

For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened

For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.

Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.

The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets

Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways

Snacks of Humor

Snacks of Humor

[1] You can become an engineer if you go to an Engineering college,

But don't expect to be a President going to the Presidency College!

[2] Expect a BUS at a BUS Stop, but Don't expect a FOOL at FULLSTOP (.)

[3] A Mechanical engineer becomes a mechanic

Then why not a software engineer becomes software?

[4] Find keys in a Key board

But do not expect a mother in mother board.

[5] Study anything you want and get a certificate in subject of your studies

But don't expect a death certificate studying "Dying and Death."

The Dementia Quiz

The Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?

Let’s find out just how clever you really are….

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q’s and A’s )

First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

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Answer :

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :

If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

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Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You’re not very good at this, are you?

This one is very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.

Third Question :

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

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Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100

If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you’ll get the last question right… Maybe…

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

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Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:

Bonus Question:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

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It’s really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it…

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

Have a nice day, one and all.

A Child’s Play

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

The child says, “Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

Boss: “May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

Child: “Yes.”

Boss: “May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

Boss: “Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

“ME.”

Wrong Number

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 50,000?"

The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man asks, "Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?"

Funny Quotes.

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty .

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbor. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say.......